Peace, Be Still

A Story of Faith Written by Kati Holland

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t.”

– C.S. Lewis

I’m a wandering soul in search of a home. It’s a truth I’ve always felt. I seek constant peace amid spiritual and emotional growth. I crave refuge in healing and wholeness. I look for light to awaken my heavy eyes. But life has brought me to my knees time and again, often with a weight too overbearing to rise, a journey too long to endure alone, and a rebel heart as a guide.

There have been many moments of sorrow and tears lost in dark closets. There have also been profound, heart-pounding times of joy. And lately, as I’ve reflected on it all, I’ve wondered: Was I faithful enough? Am I faithful enough? Could my faith stand in the deepest of waters, trusting fully in the abounding grace of the Lord that I would call upon Him as I’m led deeper? Or would I drown?

In these meditative moments, I’ve felt a gentle but resounding answer:

I do not mean for you to endure alone.

Faith is a constant effort. It ebbs and flows; it’s nonlinear. This may bring seasons of unpredictability and hardship, but the Lord has been, and will always be, consistent as He walks in the water with me. Even as I question my faith, He is ever present, whether my path is a calm ocean or a stormy sea.

Recently, I’ve pondered on all the health issues throughout my life, my stormy seas. When I was younger, I became severely ill, and at seven years old, I was hospitalized at Doernbecher Children’s Hospital in Oregon. I was there for close to two months and quickly accrued quite a team of doctors from throughout the United States. Specialists were searching for reasons and solutions to the erratic responses my body was communicating. I required much—surgeries, procedures, constant IVs, a PICC line, feeding tubes, and a blood transfusion—but eventually, it was decided to remove a good portion of my right kidney.

Although my memories of childhood have faded, there are remnants of my experience still present in my heart and mind. I was small but perceptive. I remember days of sleep and intense pain. I knew I didn’t get to choose the health of my body and that my parents couldn’t take the pain from me. I watched them as they spoke to my doctors when they thought I was asleep. I felt them hold my hand tighter when I was wheeled off to surgery. But even as I saw their pain, I too saw them surrender to the Almighty. I witnessed people in my family, neighborhood, school, and church surround us in prayer and hope. And I felt the power of their faith as it was heard and seen by the Savior.

My life was saved. Before long, I was home playing like any other kid on the street. I was granted life. For long-term care, I was told to be mindful as I would be more susceptible to kidney issues or damage. However, through the rest of my youth, I was given a normal childhood with few consequences for the suffering my body had endured.

It wasn’t until college my health was again affected and my faith in His presence was tested. It was the end of my first term at Brigham Young University–Hawaii. My right side started aching, and I knew I had to go in for testing. When the tests came back positive for infection, I felt a great deal of fear. I didn’t have any family nearby; they were hundreds of miles away. Where was I to turn? Was I capable of surrendering to God as my parents did so many years before? I didn’t feel as if I could. The waves of my storm felt too overwhelming. I thought my feet would fail me, and I felt insignificant to Christ. I turned towards the written word for strength. 

I thought back to a scripture I’ve loved since I was young: “Peace, be still” (Mark 4:39 KJV). After teaching parables for a day, the Savior arose from sleep to fearful disciples who felt abandoned by Him in the middle of a windstorm on the Sea of Galilee. Despite their lack of faith, He offered grace and calmed the waters. I knew Christ was with me and His outstretched hand was there for me to hold. He would not allow me to drown. I prayed with my close friends for a blessing of healing and comfort. And again, I felt their faith as it was heard and seen by the Savior. Eventually, I was healed.

A few years later, I was married and back on Oahu. My husband and I were still students and had gotten back from a four-month internship on the Big Island. I remember standing in the little living room of our one-bedroom apartment when we found out the news: I was pregnant with our first child. We were thrilled, although everything became all too real when I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum. I couldn’t eat or drink anything without throwing up. I became dehydrated and rapidly lost weight. The medications given to me either made symptoms worse or caused allergic reactions. I needed help to sustain my body for the rest of my pregnancy.

I received weekly IV treatments to stay out of critical condition. My kidneys eventually became affected, and around 27 weeks I was back in the hospital. I had woken up in the early morning hours with my belly contracting nonstop. I was in entirely too much pain and thought I was going into early labor. We drove the hour-long drive from North Shore to Castle Hospital and found that I was actually passing a kidney stone and extremely dehydrated. 

Anger clouded my sight, and I felt let down by my body. But once again, I chose faith over doubt and fear. Because Jesus had been there for me in previous hardships, I wanted to believe He would be there for me again. I continued to pray for relief, and although it took months, I was heard and seen by the Savior. I delivered a healthy baby boy the day after his due date. 

This sickness continued through a miscarriage and two ensuing pregnancies. Progressively, the experience worsened each time, and yet my ability to turn toward the Savior strengthened. I still felt frightened often, but I knew my soul could find rest in Him. His unfailing nature was building me up.  

In my last pregnancy, all the conditions of my previous experiences came back, but much worse. I was in critical condition, and this time not only was my body unable to sustain me, but it also couldn’t sustain my baby. My placenta had torn earlier in my pregnancy, which paired with my lack of sustainable calories, resulted in insufficient abdominal growth. If I had felt betrayed by my body in previous years, this was by far the ultimate betrayal. Inside, I stormed with turmoil. In each health issue before, it felt as if I was with Jesus’s apostles experiencing the stormy sea around me. But this time, I felt the storm from within. How could He possibly hold on to me now?

I thought I was lost to the deep with fear stealing every breath from my body. I could handle my body struggling, but I pleaded with the Lord to protect the body of the little girl growing within me. It was all I could do to keep a silent prayer in my heart. He knew this. He knew for years I was being prepared to hold strong to Him in turbulent weather. So, despite my feelings, He lifted me, and I held on as He did. The Lord was there for me, even in my doubt. To help improve her growth measurements we continued to pray, family and friends fasted, and I followed the protocols given by my health professionals. And although it took months, our faith was heard and seen by the Savior. I delivered a healthy baby girl the day after her due date.

My health journey continues now. This year alone I’ve endured more pain than I would care to admit. There are nights of tears, pleading, and questions, but because of His eternal love, presence, and most sacred comfort, I know I’m not meant to endure alone. 

With the Savior, my wandering soul finds my home away from home. He is my haven in my calm oceans and in my stormy seas. He is steady and eases all burdens. Yes, there may be a battle with my body in this life, but my faith has never been too weak for Him. Even when I haven’t felt spiritually connected, my actions to choose the Lord are evidence of my belief that has been building my faith brick by brick. He has always seen and heard me. He has divinely guided each health professional in their skill and task with my care. He has sent angels to nurture me when I felt I could never recover. He has saved me from too many close calls when things could’ve easily gone in the other direction. These seasons of my story have all been opportunities that have allowed me to hold onto faith over doubt and fear.

The Lord is working to strengthen and elevate me beyond this mortal experience. As I continue in my choice to walk with Him, I undoubtedly know He has always, and eternally will, choose me too.