Heaven’s Eyes
A Story of Faith Written by Flo Kemp
I grew up in a Hispanic home where we express our love for each other through food. I always loved sitting around the table with my family sharing about our day as we ate my mom’s home cooked goodies. However, as I grew into my teenage years, I struggled with an eating disorder that quickly took my joy away from simple things such as family dinners.
As a young girl, the pressure of trying to fit in and look a certain way took over my thoughts constantly. I stayed up hours watching cheerleading competition shows and wishing I looked the way they did in a cheer uniform. I loved cheerleading, dancing, and being on a team with my closest friends, but, I quickly realized I did not look like they did. I was not thin, my legs were bigger than theirs, my arms jiggled when I did high kicks, my tummy was not flat, and I felt so out of place.
I wanted so badly to belong. I started skipping a meal a day, then a few meals and over exercising, until losing weight was all I could think about. I woke up thinking about losing weight and went to bed thinking about how I could have done more to lose weight that day. I knew I could not share my thoughts with my friends or family because they just didn’t understand. I felt completely alone and isolated. Slowly, I also lost interest in activities that used to bring me so much joy, such as cheerleading.
My senior year of high school I was diagnosed with PCOS, and with this diagnosis I was informed my body was insulin resistant, which explained the irrational weight gain. Doctors advised me to cut out carbs and sugar from my diet since my body has a harder time breaking them down, but what my brain heard was, “STOP EATING”.
I spent so many nights crying and wishing I was not in this body. I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror because I did not love the body I saw reflected back at me. I dreaded going shopping with my friends because I knew I was not their size and having them know what size of pants I wore made me sick to my stomach.
I prayed and pleaded with God to help me not look the way I did or for Him to help me lose the “extra weight”, so I could feel pretty enough. For years I thought weight gain was my trail in life and that the only way I could feel joy again was if I lost weight. I was so wrong!
After years of struggling with this eating disorder and feeling completely hopeless, God helped me see that I could not overcome this alone. I distinctly remember one night sitting on the floor of my college apartment and pleading with the Lord. I was truly overcome by hateful thoughts towards my body image. I felt unworthy of love. How could anyone love someone that looked like me? How could anyone love me if I didn’t love me? I remembered a scripture I had heard earlier that week, “Cast thy burden upon the Lord and He shall sustain thee.” (Psalm 55:22) I needed Him to help me carry this burden because I could not do it anymore.
The Lord helped me take some baby steps in opening up about my struggles to my fiancé, and later to a therapist, which has helped me tremendously. However, I think the moment that truly made the biggest difference in my recovery was the moment I held my baby girl for the first time. I could see her with Heaven’s eyes, I knew her worth and potential in life. My heart hurt thinking that one day she could doubt her worth because of worldly standards, just like I did.
In that moment I felt God whisper in my ear, “my daughter, you are so loved”. My heart was filled with so much love and understanding of my worth as I held my perfect baby girl that day. The world will tell us we need to fit into a mold that is very different from His mold to find true joy, but the world is wrong. We are His precious daughters created in His perfect image.
“For the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)
Our Father cares deeply for our struggles. I know that with every cell in my body. Even when I felt completely alone, I knew He was there. Even when my struggles seem to be minute in comparison to others, He cares. He comforted me every time I felt unworthy of His love. He showed me grace when I felt undeserving. He walked and walks with me as I continuously battle with these struggles. I would love to say that the pain and struggles with an eating disorder and body image have disappeared for me, but I do believe it’s something I will constantly have to turn to Him for help, and that’s okay. Our Savior is always there, when our burdens are too heavy for us to bear, He will give us rest and make our burden’s light. (Matt 11:28-30)