My Attitude for His Altitude

A Story of Faith Written by Shay Hardiman

I remember being so scared, putting on a brave face for my family. God, please see me through this so that I can see my kids grow up.

I wasn’t supposed to give birth this early, but I felt something was not right. God, please bring my baby into this world healthy and safe. 

I have sickle cell anemia and pulmonary hypertension which is very risky and rare. Most women don’t survive childbirth, my doctor told me. I was scheduled for an emergency C-section that day, but I refused. I felt in my heart that if they cut me open, I would not make it to see my son’s beautiful face.

I prayed the whole time and there he was such a tiny human who needed me. God, please let him be ok. And he was, but not without struggles in the Nicu for the first few days. 

Seeing him in there reminded me of all the struggles I have lived through my whole life. See I was born with Sickle Cell Anemia but wasn’t diagnosed until I was one year old. It’s a blood disease that causes the blood cells to sickle (shaped like a crescent moon). 

From the age of one until now my second home has been inside a hospital with high fevers that are hard to break, pneumonia, acute chest syndrome, asthma attacks, chronic pain crisis, heart problems, surgeries, chemo treatments, blood transfusions and more. I didn't understand how God could put one person through all of this.  

I grew up in church,  went with my grandmother every Wednesday and Saturday. We even cleaned the church on Thursdays. I knew Jesus. I loved him, but after 11th grade, I lost my faith.

I wasn’t able to graduate high school with the rest of my peers. So many challenges when you are living a third or more of your life in hospitals. It was always so hard to keep up with schoolwork and homework. How can a kid possibly focus with all the pain, tests, shots, and breathing issues? I felt like I was being punished  by God for something I didn't understand. 

Being sick all the time made me run from God. I was mad at him. I didn't understand how a loving God could hate me so much.  But the more I ran the more I felt him close. I kept hearing in my heart.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. 

I felt him in my spirit, but the more time I spent away from my friends and family while in the hospital the more I felt alone. 

This battle is not yours alone, I am with you. 

I knew God was always there, but I didn't trust him with my painful trials and tribulations. I would read the words, “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer,” (Romans 12:12) but I didn't trust him to see me through. I prayed more for others and I stopped praying for myself. What was the point? I felt like my prayers were falling on deaf ears.

I’ve been through so many difficult times in my life, but my biggest struggle has always been my illness. I can’t run from it and I won’t be cured. 

So how can I continue to live with so much pain? Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, it can be draining.  I wanted it all to stop. I didn't think anyone could understand how I felt. Even with all the pain I had day by day, my biggest fear was where my life was going without God. I started drinking a lot to mask a lot of the pain but mostly to hide from God.

When God granted me the biggest blessing, becoming a mom. I finally felt like I had a purpose in the world. I finally had a reason to live, a reason to fight through all of my trails.

I found my faith back in 2018/2019. My fiance was a big part of why I turned to Jesus, and when we went to couples counseling I decided to go back to church. It changed everything for me. I saw Jesus in a new light. I understood him in a way I never thought I would. I learned that He grieves with me and walks with me in every step of my journey, and with prayer I am given the strength that I need to get through anything.

The next time I got extremely sick and was in the hospital for over a month away from my family, it really tested my faith, but this time was different, I knew that God had me in his hands. 

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.1 Peter 5:10” 

I always had a prayer in my heart. I felt stronger spiritually. My faith was stronger. After I got released from the hospital I went back to church. And really started  to rebuild my relationship with God. 

The year 2020 was difficult. I was pregnant with my son and the high risk doctor told me I should terminate the pregnancy because of my pulmonary hypertension. I would not survive delivery, she said. I did though and my son is here. 

A week after he was born I was told he has sickle cell anemia just like I do. It was like a punch in the gut. Why God? Why would you put such a sweet precious baby through this? 

I always prayed that if I ever had kids that none of them would be born with this painful disease. Two of three of my little angels were born without it. My first two were born with just the trait and they are healthy and happy kids. 

This has been a test of my faith, I can't seem to just enjoy my son now while he's so small and happy and growing fast. I am always waiting for the moment that he goes into a crisis, has a lot of pain, and has to be hospitalized. Although it's been rough, my son is now 9 months old and so happy and healthy. I know that God has me and has my son in His hands. 

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:13-14

In the tough times watching my son at the doctors offices, watching him cry as he is being poked with needles, I see Christ holding our hands comforting us as we go through the difficult times. I know that my son and I have a bigger purpose in life. Even if it is through this story, to give people hope and strength in knowing that God is always with you even when you don’t think He is there. That is the greatest gift I can ever ask for.

I am extremely blessed to have lived this long through everything. My God has given me the strength I need to face my battles and the battles to come. I am better for what I have gone through in life. Sometimes it's hard to remember how powerful our Savior is. Often the reason why you can't see Jesus in your everyday life is because you're still looking for a dead Jesus and not a living jesus. When you know that Jesus is alive and resurrected you begin to see how Jesus moves and flows through everything you do in your life. So stop looking for a dead Jesus, stop simply looking for the Jesus that died for your sins but the one that resurrected and revealed to you that there's power over sin and power over death.

I pray that we all look to our savior for our strength. I am a testimony that he is powerful and gives us all the power to live and conquer through our battles (mountains). As I am still conquering through mine.

I am a Sickle cell warrior!