Strength to Surrender

A Story of Faith in God’s Plan written by RyLee Matangi

I felt trapped in my own body. I was stuck, wanting nothing more than to escape the hell that held me bound. About a year after I had my third baby, the incredible and indescribable itch began. Itchiness steals peace. It makes your teeth clench. It caused me to collapse on the floor, tearing myself apart and making myself bleed. Then my vision would go blurry and the panic attack would start. My husband would sit helpless on the bed with his hands holding his face, not sure how he could help me as I sobbed, screamed, and wished I was dead so that this torture could finally end.

This all encompassing pain that imprisoned me was something I wouldn't have been able to comprehend even a year earlier, and it was hard for even those closest to me to understand what I was experiencing. How do you go from being healthy and fine to this? From knowing the face looking back at you in the mirror to an almost unrecognizable reflection. Hours of research, myriads of doctors appointments, and very little answers or relief. My reality was terrifying and lonely.

I remember one day in particular when I couldn’t take it anymore. I hated that I had to have help taking care of my daughters from neighbors and friends. I hated that I couldn’t be the mom I had envisioned for myself and for my three sweet girls all ages 3 and under. I went outside in the backyard away from my children for a moment and cried out to God in prayer. “Father, I want to be a good mom to my girls. I long to share my faith with others. I want to be an instrument in your hands, but how can I? How can I when I am confined to the walls of my own home? How can I when I am like this?” 

Then I heard God call me by name and say, “Oh RyLee. This IS how.” And in that moment, I knew my trial wasn’t going to be over any time soon. I was going to have to endure a little longer. But, I also knew that God had a plan for me. He had a plan for me even in this state in which I felt useless. He was somehow using me and this pain to benefit myself, my children, and those around me. I sobbed with the realization that He wasn’t going to take this trial away. Not now.

Yet I heard myself say, “Nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done.” I paused to reflect upon my Savior Jesus Christ in this moment. That even He called out to God in prayer asking for the cup to be removed from Him. It was okay that I wished for my trial to be removed, but how I responded next was a true testament of my faith in his will. After asking God to remove the cup from him, Christ said, “Nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done.” Asking for my trial to be taken away and then trusting that God could make more of my life than I could, in whatever state I was in, wasn’t weakness, it was surrender. I was surrendering to His plan which was greater than my own.

Surrendering and accepting that this was my life now without knowing when it would end was difficult. For me, surrendering meant trying to see the work that God was building in me. He was strengthening my faith, my relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ, and building my character. Surrendering meant I needed to use more spiritual eyes to see the work that God was doing through me and this trial for the sake of those around me. He was also building my husband’s character and strengthening our marriage through a more selfless love. He was building empathy and autonomy in my children. He was using me to help others dealing with various trials and illnesses feel seen and less alone.   

During my most painful moments of dealing with this chronic illness I would often reflect on the scriptures Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God”  and Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

I decided to turn my pain into purpose. I started to share my faith on social media. I had numerous messages tell me that my faith and perseverance helped strengthen their own faith. My relationship and love for my Savior grew in ways that I don’t think would have if I hadn’t been suffering the way that I was. This pain wasn’t something my closest loved ones could even begin to understand, but Jesus could. He knew.

I heard the other day, “Take away my trials, and you take away my strength.” That’s powerful. Looking back, I truly felt like I was in the depths of the refiners fire. I was living a life so different from those I saw around me simply going about their day, and yet I was growing more than I could have without my chronic illness. I hardly ever left my home, but God still used me to connect with people and be that instrument in His hands like I longed to be. “Oh RyLee, this IS how.”  

He has a plan for you even in your pain. Lean into it. Trust him. Diamonds aren't made without the fire.